I will survive!

Exam week.

Picture speaks a thousand words.

However this one spoke 982 words. Not exactly a thousand but at least it is close right?

Anyway if you have no idea what crap i am posting this time maybe i should explain briefly before you read the content.

Basically, My college had a photo exhibition and my most beloved lecturer decided that it would be fun if his students have a conversation with the pictures in the exhibition and then come up with a 800 words essay about the picture which speaks to you. So here is my essay about a picture of a dock and the sea. ps. sorry my england not so powderful yet so please mind my grammar... >.<''

It was soon my turn to take the stage as another contestant bow and bid the judges thanks and apologies for the mistakes made during his speech. The whole time I found myself asking in my mind “What am I doing here?” and then a little voice in my head would reply and tease me “To lose and to embarrass yourself in this competition.” I clenched my fist tightly as the contestant make his way from the stage to the bottom of the stairs. I was shaking nervously as they called another contestant up the stage to present his speech and very soon it will be my turn to take the stage. “Why did I even bother to join a public speaking competition when I can’t even speak without ever feeling nervous in front of a small crowd?”, I found myself asking. I played with my fingers as the speaker gave his brilliant speech. Every point and fact seemed to be so wise and every word that came out of his mouth are so intelligent. So many things went on in my mind as one contestant after another seem to be giving really intelligent speeches so confidently and as that happens I got more and more intimidated.

The whole time I kept thinking of how I would perform and I kept worrying whether I would get a nervous breakdown as I was in the middle of my speech. I quickly look up and away from my fingers and the speaker on stage to look for something to distract myself before I get a nervous breakdown even before I hit the stage. I look around and I saw my English teacher as she gave me a thumbs up as and her lips moved saying “you can do it!”. Instead of responding her with a smile I quickly look away from her. She is responsible for all these, insisting that I represent my class to a public speaking competition and kept telling me that my speech will definitely be the best when other contestants seemed to be doing a trillion times better than me. When I was still in the middle of cursing my teacher for practically forcing me into this competition the next thing I heard was applause and the emcee stood up to speak. “Thank you to our contestant number 21 for his amazing speech. Now we would like to invite contestant number 22, Pauline Tan from class 5 Meranti to present her speech entitled…”.Everything else was a blur, the next thing I remember was that I got out of my seat a took a few steps forward towards to stage but then quickly change my direction and headed towards the exit. I went as far as possible from my school hall where the public speaking competition was held. I continued walking until I was unable to hear the blaring speaker of the emcee calling out my name.

That was two years ago when fear has caused me to run out of my school hall to avoid speaking to the public.Thinking of it now just makes me blush with embarrassment. My cowardly act of running away when I could have just tried. I still remember that day when I sat on my seat waiting for my turn to arrive to present my speech I desperately wished to be back to my class at the comfort of my own seat instead of having to be a nervous wreck in my school hall. I admit that I have stage frights and that running away seemed to be a good solution to calming my nerves. Now I felt rather ashamed of what I had done and there’s this feeling of regret where I thought I could have just tried even if I gave a horrible speech and turned out to be the worst contestant of the day but at least I could say that I tried. Then my English teacher would have come up to me and pat me on my shoulder and say that I did okay or well done instead of being disappointed that all her effort of encouraging me and helping me prepare for the competition gone a waste.

The fact that I rather stay on the fishermen’s dock and to catch a few fish with a fishing rod than to sail out to the sea where I could catch hundreds with a fishing net. All it takes is a little effort to build a boat and get out into the sea out of my comfort zone but because I was afraid and I chose to run, to stay on the fishermen’s dock where everything seems to be safe. It is fear that stopped me from doing anything, my teacher had help me build a boat and ensure that I was ready to sail but when look out to the sea I was unsure of what I would face and fear made me stay where I am placed, my comfort zone. Now if I could rewind time I would stepped into the boat and sail into the sea no matter if I would catch a huge amount of fish or come back empty handed at least I took the first step to facing my fears. Albert Einstein said that time travelling is possible but unfortunately he didn’t manage to invent a time machine before he was 6 feet under.

In the end, I took it as a lesson and I am happy to say that I am braver now at getting out of my comfort zone and do something different or challenging. Thought at times I would feel afraid and at times the little voice in my head would tease me and tell me that i couldn’t do it but thinking of what happened two years ago actually motivates me for I don’t want to end up regretting that I didn’t try.

I am a really bad girl...

Ohhhh YES!

I feel bad!

really BAD as in acting bad not as in feeling feeling bad ya know???!

The fact that i have exams next week and i am still here BLOGGING!

haha! what did you think i did?

Rob a bank? x)

Anyway, there is really nothing much to post...

Unless you really want to hear about my life...
My life's been... well... let's just say it hasn't been going great but it's getting better :)

Thinking of ways to improve myself and i got 101 things on my list now.

1. Get a new haircut

2. Take picture of me if haircut is fine and if not cry and wait for hair to grow back
3.buy a guitar

4. Go mall look for guitar

5. learn how to play guitar

6. practice guitar

7. ...

Okay... maybe i exaggerated about my list being 101 things long but i guess it is better to take things one step at a time?

Getting a haircut sounds like an ordinary everyday thing but whenever it comes to hair cuts i always tend to get nervous. The thought of the hair stylist screwing up your hair and had to live with it until it grows back. *shivers* That's why i always stick to the same usual hair cut to avoid anything UNFORTUNATE! However, a certain someone actually made me think. After hearing complains of how my hair had always been the same and so boring i just thought maybe it is time to change? At least do something with it while i still had the chance?
Yea man! next thing you know i gotz a Mohawk! XD
hehe! kidding!
But seriously i will get a haircut.

soon.

About the guitar...
I have been wanting to pick up that instrument for ages. Well i guess now it's time to take actions?

Well. I think i would just keep this post short.
wait for the results okay?
well, slowly wait.

:)

Walking barefoot.

Life is like walking barefoot on a path which had a different surface. At one part of the road there are grass that comfort your feet and sometimes gives you laughter as the soft grass tickles your sole. At another you just have to get across painful rocks and sometimes even step on broken glass to get on with your journey.

Then just one day you came and took my hand. That was the time

where the path i was walking on grew abundant soft grass and flowers along the side. I look forward to the feel of each and every step as my feet land upon the delicate soft grass. Each time i breath i would smell a sweet scent of flowers in the air.

My journey became much lighter as well as brighter. You would walk with me no matter it's on grass or on broken glass. You were there to walk with me and sometimes to carry me. The times you gave me assurance that you will walk with me till the very end faded when you left me walking on glass alone. Confused i fell down as the glass cuts my flesh. I waited for you to pick me up but you didn't come back. Slowly i crawled with a heart still hoping that you would come back and help me up and out of this pain.

Glass cut deeply into my skin I cried, prayed, hope... But you didn't come back. With all my heart and effort i got up, my knees bled and was wounded by the broken glass. I push myself to walk forward, to move on. Each step was painful as my feet presses into broken glass. Tears rolled down my cheeks as the glass enters my flesh but i continued till the point where my feet was numb by pain.

I continued to walk until there were no more glass at my sight. It has all cleared up by friends who passed by. I look at my scared knees. They are no longer bleeding and the wounds are healing. The pain has lessened but the scars still bothers me. Time helped me by healing my wounded feet slowly but it wouldn't remove the scars no matter how much i beg or do.

The scars remained.

Turning away from the closed door.

18 years has passed. Way too quickly and so

metimes i feel that i really couldn't keep up with time. I had LIVED for 18 years! To be honest i feel really lucky for many people in this world didn't even get the chance live this many years. Though not all my years are like a cozy bed of roses, not every path i took lead to a happy ending but i thank God for giving me the chance to go through it. My 18 years are filled with joy,sadness and all types of other emotions. Days where I feel that I am on top of the world and days which I wish that the world would just crumble to its core

. Truly, it was one heck of a good experience.

Half of 2011 has passed and soon it will be gone and be replaced by 2012. Things are really different now. Things had changed. From friends to personality to fashion sense to the place you live to... etc Honestly, this year hasn't been very good for me. Change occurred one too many at a time. Sometimes i find myself unable to cope.

Lord, where are you leading me?

Being alive for 18 years. I am sure God brought me to this world for a reason. I just wish i knew what are his plans for me. Sometimes i thought about my uncertain future. I am not even sure what i want to do as a career.

I guess i just have to try harder to place my complete trust in the Lord.

Lord, you had blessed me, protected me, lead me through this 18 years. Sometimes i did not listen to you and i strayed away. I made mistakes and you forgave me.

I really don't know how else to thank you.

Two double rainbow days in a row! :D

If 2012 really come true...

What will be the things you'll regret not doing?


I am going to try to live everyday like it is my last day appropriately. Do good things that makes me happy. Just in case it all really ends and i would regret that i didn't even try...

Inspired by Nickelback- If today was your last day.

Unable to embed the song from YouTube so here's the link to it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrXIQQ8PeRs

Here is also the wonderful lyrics to the song. :)
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My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love
if today was your last day?

A nice day to be a fan :)

Do your best Sean! The AWESOME believes in you! :)

Sincerely,
your no. 1# fan.
PAULINE! :D
NOT ESTHER!