I will survive!

Exam week.

Picture speaks a thousand words.

However this one spoke 982 words. Not exactly a thousand but at least it is close right?

Anyway if you have no idea what crap i am posting this time maybe i should explain briefly before you read the content.

Basically, My college had a photo exhibition and my most beloved lecturer decided that it would be fun if his students have a conversation with the pictures in the exhibition and then come up with a 800 words essay about the picture which speaks to you. So here is my essay about a picture of a dock and the sea. ps. sorry my england not so powderful yet so please mind my grammar... >.<''

It was soon my turn to take the stage as another contestant bow and bid the judges thanks and apologies for the mistakes made during his speech. The whole time I found myself asking in my mind “What am I doing here?” and then a little voice in my head would reply and tease me “To lose and to embarrass yourself in this competition.” I clenched my fist tightly as the contestant make his way from the stage to the bottom of the stairs. I was shaking nervously as they called another contestant up the stage to present his speech and very soon it will be my turn to take the stage. “Why did I even bother to join a public speaking competition when I can’t even speak without ever feeling nervous in front of a small crowd?”, I found myself asking. I played with my fingers as the speaker gave his brilliant speech. Every point and fact seemed to be so wise and every word that came out of his mouth are so intelligent. So many things went on in my mind as one contestant after another seem to be giving really intelligent speeches so confidently and as that happens I got more and more intimidated.

The whole time I kept thinking of how I would perform and I kept worrying whether I would get a nervous breakdown as I was in the middle of my speech. I quickly look up and away from my fingers and the speaker on stage to look for something to distract myself before I get a nervous breakdown even before I hit the stage. I look around and I saw my English teacher as she gave me a thumbs up as and her lips moved saying “you can do it!”. Instead of responding her with a smile I quickly look away from her. She is responsible for all these, insisting that I represent my class to a public speaking competition and kept telling me that my speech will definitely be the best when other contestants seemed to be doing a trillion times better than me. When I was still in the middle of cursing my teacher for practically forcing me into this competition the next thing I heard was applause and the emcee stood up to speak. “Thank you to our contestant number 21 for his amazing speech. Now we would like to invite contestant number 22, Pauline Tan from class 5 Meranti to present her speech entitled…”.Everything else was a blur, the next thing I remember was that I got out of my seat a took a few steps forward towards to stage but then quickly change my direction and headed towards the exit. I went as far as possible from my school hall where the public speaking competition was held. I continued walking until I was unable to hear the blaring speaker of the emcee calling out my name.

That was two years ago when fear has caused me to run out of my school hall to avoid speaking to the public.Thinking of it now just makes me blush with embarrassment. My cowardly act of running away when I could have just tried. I still remember that day when I sat on my seat waiting for my turn to arrive to present my speech I desperately wished to be back to my class at the comfort of my own seat instead of having to be a nervous wreck in my school hall. I admit that I have stage frights and that running away seemed to be a good solution to calming my nerves. Now I felt rather ashamed of what I had done and there’s this feeling of regret where I thought I could have just tried even if I gave a horrible speech and turned out to be the worst contestant of the day but at least I could say that I tried. Then my English teacher would have come up to me and pat me on my shoulder and say that I did okay or well done instead of being disappointed that all her effort of encouraging me and helping me prepare for the competition gone a waste.

The fact that I rather stay on the fishermen’s dock and to catch a few fish with a fishing rod than to sail out to the sea where I could catch hundreds with a fishing net. All it takes is a little effort to build a boat and get out into the sea out of my comfort zone but because I was afraid and I chose to run, to stay on the fishermen’s dock where everything seems to be safe. It is fear that stopped me from doing anything, my teacher had help me build a boat and ensure that I was ready to sail but when look out to the sea I was unsure of what I would face and fear made me stay where I am placed, my comfort zone. Now if I could rewind time I would stepped into the boat and sail into the sea no matter if I would catch a huge amount of fish or come back empty handed at least I took the first step to facing my fears. Albert Einstein said that time travelling is possible but unfortunately he didn’t manage to invent a time machine before he was 6 feet under.

In the end, I took it as a lesson and I am happy to say that I am braver now at getting out of my comfort zone and do something different or challenging. Thought at times I would feel afraid and at times the little voice in my head would tease me and tell me that i couldn’t do it but thinking of what happened two years ago actually motivates me for I don’t want to end up regretting that I didn’t try.

I am a really bad girl...

Ohhhh YES!

I feel bad!

really BAD as in acting bad not as in feeling feeling bad ya know???!

The fact that i have exams next week and i am still here BLOGGING!

haha! what did you think i did?

Rob a bank? x)

Anyway, there is really nothing much to post...

Unless you really want to hear about my life...
My life's been... well... let's just say it hasn't been going great but it's getting better :)

Thinking of ways to improve myself and i got 101 things on my list now.

1. Get a new haircut

2. Take picture of me if haircut is fine and if not cry and wait for hair to grow back
3.buy a guitar

4. Go mall look for guitar

5. learn how to play guitar

6. practice guitar

7. ...

Okay... maybe i exaggerated about my list being 101 things long but i guess it is better to take things one step at a time?

Getting a haircut sounds like an ordinary everyday thing but whenever it comes to hair cuts i always tend to get nervous. The thought of the hair stylist screwing up your hair and had to live with it until it grows back. *shivers* That's why i always stick to the same usual hair cut to avoid anything UNFORTUNATE! However, a certain someone actually made me think. After hearing complains of how my hair had always been the same and so boring i just thought maybe it is time to change? At least do something with it while i still had the chance?
Yea man! next thing you know i gotz a Mohawk! XD
hehe! kidding!
But seriously i will get a haircut.

soon.

About the guitar...
I have been wanting to pick up that instrument for ages. Well i guess now it's time to take actions?

Well. I think i would just keep this post short.
wait for the results okay?
well, slowly wait.

:)

Walking barefoot.

Life is like walking barefoot on a path which had a different surface. At one part of the road there are grass that comfort your feet and sometimes gives you laughter as the soft grass tickles your sole. At another you just have to get across painful rocks and sometimes even step on broken glass to get on with your journey.

Then just one day you came and took my hand. That was the time

where the path i was walking on grew abundant soft grass and flowers along the side. I look forward to the feel of each and every step as my feet land upon the delicate soft grass. Each time i breath i would smell a sweet scent of flowers in the air.

My journey became much lighter as well as brighter. You would walk with me no matter it's on grass or on broken glass. You were there to walk with me and sometimes to carry me. The times you gave me assurance that you will walk with me till the very end faded when you left me walking on glass alone. Confused i fell down as the glass cuts my flesh. I waited for you to pick me up but you didn't come back. Slowly i crawled with a heart still hoping that you would come back and help me up and out of this pain.

Glass cut deeply into my skin I cried, prayed, hope... But you didn't come back. With all my heart and effort i got up, my knees bled and was wounded by the broken glass. I push myself to walk forward, to move on. Each step was painful as my feet presses into broken glass. Tears rolled down my cheeks as the glass enters my flesh but i continued till the point where my feet was numb by pain.

I continued to walk until there were no more glass at my sight. It has all cleared up by friends who passed by. I look at my scared knees. They are no longer bleeding and the wounds are healing. The pain has lessened but the scars still bothers me. Time helped me by healing my wounded feet slowly but it wouldn't remove the scars no matter how much i beg or do.

The scars remained.